Its been a long road

I actually wanted to do a song blog, but i decided my own words would be better. Its been a long time since i last blogged. So many things have changed. In this year (2009) alone, i’ve lost my oldest cat, who was everything to me, and my grandaunt.

In the span of one year, i’ve lost 3 loved ones – including my dog.

But within the last year, i’ve had some of the best moments of my life. I finally made it to Sydney. Though the place itself was a little scary ( NO LOCKS ON THE DOOR ), but it was SO worth it. I finally got the wish that i wished for two years ago – to spend my birthday with angelo.

You have no idea how rewarding that is to me. It’s like, you can want something, you can put all your heart & soul into it, faith, hope, etc etc, but everyday brings something new, and the pain of missing someone grows. but at the end of it all.. its almost liberating. like, here i am, i’ve come this far, i’ve worked for it, i deserve it and i’ve given everything, from faith to hope to endurance and etc. AND IT HAPPENED!

I can say, love moves mountains, if you believe and much more.

I have had friends tell me, they can’t do what i do. I say, yes it’s been really hard, but you don’t know what you are capable of till you’re in this position. Just like in a life or death situation, some people miraculously survive the worst of disasters. but before going into it, if asked, they’d say there’d be no way they could survive.

 

For all the people who have a goal, who really want something – stick to it. know you deserve it, work for it and have faith it’ll happen. nothing is far fetched anymore.

I’m going to try my best and go again this year!

 

Going off topic – I’ve wanted to do this for quite awhile.

IMO – Mitch.

My lovely cat, 10 years old, as beautiful as can be, with a spirit like no other. I cried soooooooooo much, it was horrible. If it weren’t for angelo, i wouldn’t have gotten through it so well.  I found out at the start of the year, about his sickness – and by the end of the month, he was gone. I watched by baby degenerate and become almost lifeless, but you know what? everytime i looked in his eyes, it was still him. and i’d tell him everyday how much i love him. the final day, he mustered his strength to come to my room where i lay on the floor beside him and cried. i guess you know when its time ?

My baby. He’s all better now. I hope that, though he suffered, he knew that we tried, that i tried.. my best.. to make him as comfortable as possible. to do as much as i could. He was my pick-me-up when i had a bad day. I’d hug him when i felt sad, even when i cried. I’d stand beside him when he stood at the washing mashine looking out beyond the window,and i’d always put my head to his and he’d rub his head against mine. He always came to me when i called his name.  He’s definitely one of the best things that’s ever happened to me.

I wonder if he loved me? I hope he did. I’m sure he did. I just hope, he knew how much i loved him, and how much he made an impact in our lives. everyone staying here. Even Chan cried, and i’ve not seen him cry much even at human-funerals.

So, in gratefulness and not sadness, anymore, i say. thank you for coming into my life. I love you, always and forever.

Mitch.

1999 – 31/01/09.

12/7/08

Been some time since i last wrote in here.

I realized i only wrote on London Pt.1 and don’t feel like writing a Pt.2 on it but i just wanna say the following in regards to london.

1. I MISS SOPHIE ( SU FEI ) soooo damn much!
2. I miss the winds.. the cold air!
3. I miss the quiet pace
4. I miss the feeling that i fit in over there.
5. I miss mozzarella cheese! It was so freaking cheap!
6. i really really wish i could bring Sophie over.

Sunset from the PC room @ 9.30 ++

My Soph! She really isn’t all that scary. and she’s got the loveliest velvet ears!

Sunset - Different color, still beautiful~

Its raining hard in.. north Virginia.. just like London town~

Picture says it all.

Happy Fathers Day

I dedicate this poem to my dad. who i don’t remember even celebrating one father’s day with, but i remember wishing i could every year.

Her hair was up in a ponytail
Her favorite dress tied with a bow
Today was Daddy’s Day at school
And she couldn’t wait to go.
But her mommy tried to tell her,
That she probably should stay home.
Why the kids might not understand,
If she went to school alone.
But she was not afraid;
She knew just what to say.
What to tell her classmates
Of why he wasn’t there today.
But still her mother worried,
For her to face this day alone.
And that was why once again,
She tried to keep her daughter home.
But the little girl went to school,
Eager to tell them all.
About a dad she never sees,
A dad who never calls.
There were daddies along the wall in back,
For everyone to meet
Children squirming impatently,
Anxious in their seats.
One by one the teacher called,
Each student from the class.
To introduce their daddy,
As seconds slowly passed.
At last the teacher called her name,
Every child turned to stare.
Each of them was searching,
For a man who wasn’t there.
“Where’s her daddy at?”
She heard a boy call out.
“She probably doesn’t have one”
Another student dared to shout.
And from somewhere near the back,
She heard a daddy say,
“Looks like another deadbeat dad,

Too busy to waste his day.”
The words did not offened her,
As she smiled up at her mom.
And looked back at her teacher,
Who told her to go on.
And with hands behind her back,
Slowly she began to speak.
And out from the mouth of a child,
Came words incredibly unique.
“My daddy couldn’t be here,
Because he lives so far away.
But I know he wishes he could be,
Since this is such a special day.
And though you cannot meet him,
I wanted you to know.
All about my daddy,
And how much he loves me so.
He loved to tell me stories
He taught me to ride my bike.
He surprised me with pink roses,
And taught me to fly a kite.
We used to share fudge sundaes,
and ice cream in a cone.
And though you cannot see him,
I’m not standing here alone.
Cause my daddy’s always with me
Even though we are apart.
I know because he told me,
He’ll forever be in my heart.”
With that, her little hand reached up,
and lay across her chest.
Feeling her own heartbeat,
Beneath her favorite dress.
And from somewhere in the crowd of dads,
Her mother stood in tears.
Proudly watching her daughter,
Who was wise beyond her years.
For she stood up for the love
Of a man not in her life.
Doing what was best for her,
Doing what was right.
And when she dropped her hand back down,
Staring straight into the crowd.
She finished with a voice so soft,
But its message clear and loud.
“I love my daddy very much,
He’s my shining star.
And if he could he’d be here,
But heaven’s just too far.
You see he was a fireman
And died just this past year.
When airplanes hit the towers
And taught Americans to fear.
But sometimes when I close my eyes,
It’s like he never went away.”
And then she closes her eyes,
And saw him there that day.
And to her mother’s amazement,
She witnessed with surprise.
A room full of daddies and children,
All starting to close their eyes.
Who knows what they say before them,
Who knows what they felt inside.
Perhaps for merely a second,
They saw him at her side.
“I know you’re with me Daddy.”
To the silence she called out.
And what happened next made believers,
Of those once filled with doubt.
Not one in that room could explain it,
For each of their eyes had been closed.
But there on the desk beside her,
Was a fragrant long-stemmed pink rose.
And a child was blessed, if only for a moment,
By the love of her shining bright star.
And given the gift of believing,
That heaven is never too far

Cheryl Costello-Forshey©

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24th of may – dedicated just for you.

this day will be in my mind forever as a regret.

i know there was nothing i could have done. but you know we always think of the what ifs.

and in my mind, i know there was another way to it.

R.I.P  Bruno.

16years. you were my playmate, my friend, my joy, my protector. the late nights when i didnt have my cats yet and i dare not sleep alone cos the house was all dark and no one was there, i brought her with me to accompany me. and she did.. faithfully.

she was my family. the closest thing i had to family when my mum decided she didnt want to come home all those nights. im sorry. i’m sorry you had to die surrounded by people you didn’t know. my biggest and only regret.

i love you. always and forever.

faithfully.

 

london pt 1

well the flight was good.. i actually managed to sleep. for the first time, and i was stuck between two strangers too. thank god that they were girls. so much easier. have to admit though, i got the feeling of the double standards that we always talk about at the airport. but who cares.

and some of the brits omg.. so uptight. on my flight at least.

i think this woman and her son sat down next to me. i briefly glanced at her and she goes to her husband who comes back 2hrs later “do i have two heads today or something?” please lady, youre not attractive or anything lah it was just a pathetic glance ffs.

anyway. flight was good, infront of my row was a monk, i saw him and felt safer, that the flight would be somewhat smooth. and it was. next to nothing – turbulance wise.

after that though, getting through immigration was a pain. i swear they are damn sarcastic lah toward everyone else but the brits. then like that, promote tourism for what?

fuckers. literally they screen everyone ok! you think old couple can get away with it? hell no. even the monk also got it. and these people dont necessarily speak the best of english.. then that also becomes their fault. jitao bwg. so for mine he asked

1. how long will you be in the UK for ( ok valid Q )
2. where are you from ( a little stupid cos my passport says SG )
3. what do you do, what do you study as / work as ( still can la ) so i made up some crap cos at this time if i say im working as some prostitute for eg i sure kena sent back. and he just continues asking work /sch related questions.
4. so how long will you be here for ( repeated. -_- )
5. where will you be staying
6. have you been here before
7. are you travelling alone ( another abit absurd question )
8. why are u here
9. when is your aunt giving birth ( abit weird but i still answered, but i was unsure so i said “dunno.. nothings confirmed so anywhere in these two weeks)
10. how can you not know when? ( absolutely fucking retarded question )
11. so you telling me you dont know when youre going back to singapore  (losing my patience)
12. so if youre going back in june when do you start work or study ( …wtf la )

what the hell la. i tell you, brits promote tourism like no tomorrow with that stupid sun hits the sky advert on tv, but when you get there you kena questioned like some detainee. right. who wants to go then?!

so anyway after that 30000 hour questioning, i get my bags etc. and i run into the monk. fate no? and he doesnt speak much english. tibetian monk. so he comes to me with a piece of paper asking me for directions.. and though i am so lost myself, i actually try to help him out. we spent a good half hour walking around the airport both inside and outside before we found the busstop that hes supposed to go to. and trust me at 5am in the morning its damn cold i almost froze my fingers off.

but well as fate will have it, cos remember i said i was lost?

well turns out the bus that he takes to get to this place called central bus station, is the same bus i had to take to get to t3.! hooray for me. but really. thank god. and in turn he gives me this braclet that hes been wearing. and he said something like “look.. 4 4 4 or smth. or 4. ” in chinese. dont know what he meant. didnt want to accept it but he just kept his hand outright and said its no problem. im like uh. ok.. and i took it and he blessed me! haha. something like. wishing you good health and vitalitiy. so nice lol.

anyway i need to rant abt heathrow airport. it is the worst fucking airport in the world!!! FUCK MAN.

dont talk about the customer service la which basically doesnt exist! their baggage area which is like a trainwreck.. but walau. their terminals are not even joined can! you know t1 t2 t3 over there are nicely within 20mins walk from each other + – how fast you walk but t4 is fucking in the middle of nowhere! im so serious! fuck man. and there’re no directions when you step out. only many bus and taxi services and hotel services. what the fuck!!  and when i finally got to t4 its an even bigger horror!

the arrivals area – which i had to wait for my mother at, had only 1 tv telepromter telling when flights came etc. 1! 1 only leh WHAT THE FUCK !! then everyone has to crowd around it and i tell you the guys there who  run the taxi pick up services are a good 185m+ tall ok. u imagine 50 guys all in a row and another 10 more blocking the telepromter. im not joking lor. like that how to see which flights are arriving?

i really appreciate SG airport all the more man. seriously they need a big big upgrade. and if you think im being singaporean-ish by saying this. youre wrong.

while waiting for my mum, i became friends with this english woman.. and shes like “i hate heathrow. ive been waitin for my friends flight since 6.30 ( was 8 already ) and she still hasnt come from immigration / baggage. heathrow is crap. ur lucky if ur bags are either not lost, or broken, or misplaced, or torn. and if u get ur bags, u’ll be lucky to survive the 500 immigration queue.”

see.

sigh. definately not a place i’d recommend to anyone for a holiday.

anyway moving on from that terrible nightmare. the jet lag was bad. took me a few days to get used to.. and.. their time is horrible! now that they dont have daylight savings.. the sun sets at 9.30pm and rises at 5. that is sick. its just soo weird to be walking out at 8+ and its still bright with sunlight. its screwing up my system.

and that bracelet the monk gave me, i showered with it and it turned blue! noes.

oh well.

OH and the showering. if u dont shower by like 11 in this house, the water goes cold! or if u take too long and use up all the hot water. so yeah gotta time myself and my showers. wth right haha.

17th.

lets see how things are going.

today he said something to me that was pretty hurtful / heartbreaking. – cried.

was pretty depressed about it. still a little bit but i am going to ask him about it tomorrow again. anyone want to loan me some courage? i always hate doing this. but now i tend to speak my mind more. i am getting there slowly but surely.

on another note.

chan’s in the hospital. leg infection. if you clench your foot ( left or right up to you but left in his case ) , you can see there’s this vein that forms the shape of an S somewhere from the middle toe downward. his whole vein swelled till it looked like a real prominent S shape all in red and puffed up so you can feel it raised etc. and he was having high fevers / chills and what not. today which is i think the second day, it got worse whereby the vein continued to swell up the side of his calf. so he finally went doc, was referred to TTSH. did a minor op there and is staying overnight now. he’ll be alright i think.. but i guess part of him wanted my mum to be home so she could go see him. sigh.

where is she? flight delayed. rights…. sigh. aunt called yesterday as well, didn’t have the heart to be sarcastic to her when she asked “where is your mum” for fear she might just pass out or something cos o’ the baby and the stress she gets with even the slightest things.

you know the best part? i just checked changi airport website and there is totally no flight details for her flight supposedly coming in anywhere between 1 – 2am. maybe she decided to stay there?

hah.

i have yet to do so many things! buy my luggage bag. buy essentials. at least the weather there isn’t too cold so i don’t need to lug around heavy clothing.

oh and for those who are like super bored + love shopping + love good deals should go check this website

www.zuunbo.com. really interesting. everyday at 12midnight they put 1 new item up, which they wont mention about before hand , and they only have limited amounts. so i guess people who like happen to check in the morning/afternoon will lose out lah if the item is super popular. but nonetheless! they really have some good bargains. i bought from them this thing called “SKINFOOD – coffee body scrub ” . I must say i am so not a fan of coffee but i absolutely love the smell of this!

<3333333333333

its a mixure of coffee bean powder + salt + honey and sugar i think. not too sure. but whatever it is , it smells super nice !

cant believe i survived 10days w/o her.

how long is it gonna be for next time round’ ?

1month?

anyway an image i created.

actually i was pretty sad so i came up with this outta nowhere.. the words aren’t really supposed to be all lovey dovey, there is a sadder meaning to it.

how, nice? lol. sigh.

14/05/08

Rain~ Gotta love the rain. Watching my cats running opposite ends while it thunders. lol.

There’s this saying “Never make someone a priority when you’re just an option to them”. how true is this for me. or whoever that can connect with this.

you drop everything for that 1 person or you’re like super thrilled that this person even talks to you, but yet to them you’re just an option when they’re bored.

Thats so pathetic can. sigh.

4more days. and two more days till mum comes back from ….wherever.

I feel very half half on things right now.

half tired. half happy. half anxious. half dreading. half excited.

in the papers recently there was this article saying this dubai person made 300 islands up for sale anywhere bewteen 28 mil ++ and up. little islands ok! and he calls it “world” cos 300 islands made to look like the world. its so damn cool! and in it you get your own sewage system water system house pool beach blabla.

how cool is that! and i think the islands are named after countries? over 100 have been sold. i want one! i would like to tell everyone “i own australia!” haha.

see all these rich guys in the world buying up islands and all whereas on the other end of the spectrum china and Myanmar are tolling deaths by the thousands. though yes if i was a billionare i will buy an island but ! i still would love to do something to help them. Myanmar state even before the earthquake hit was bad enough, now its a complete train wreck. and if you saw today’s Straits times front page about the “school of death” with over 900 children trapped under rubble.. omg.

Who deserves this? even the animals are seeking refuge, there’s a picture i saw of like thousands o’ toads roaming the streets cos they couldnt go back to the water or smth , cant remember. but its so sad

Its like you know, one moment your city is all picture perfect, or at least in the minds of the people living there it is, and next its turned over and far from recognizable with families separated , deaths, crying, homes gone etc etc. and they arent the richest people. even their government isnt.

Guess though singapore is a little sucky we gotta be thankful for that much. that everythings alright here. can you imagine if an earthquake hit sg? we wont lose everything… SG itself will be gone. we’re far too small to survive. Bishan will be floating away, punngol will be attached to batam, woodlands floating pass malaysia. lol.. we’d be beyond help. so while we can, and for those extremely niao mindset people, while we have a chance to reap good karma we should help out the best we can cos god knows what will happen when its our turn.

hate driving.

i so need to rant about this!

went driving yesterday as per norm, going about 50kmph , no one was behind me, roads were practically deserted and outta nowhere this car comes flying at around 70kmph , cuts in my lane, no signaling NOTHING, and jams break right infront of me! WHAT THE FUCK.

My reaction was like wtfwtfwtf  *cold sweat*.  the road is super big lor for 1 thing why must she choose to jam break right infront of me?  Secondly! i’m not even in the utmost left lane, so literally kinda she jam break in the middle of the road lor! fuck man.

if i didn’t break in time i woulda so gone to hospital yesterday. i saw her pax side mirror coming soo close to my car as she cut infront of me before breaking. hit my forehead and my seatbelt did a forced pullback so i hurt my neck and the back o’ my head as well due to the impact.

omg stupid woman!! 4%$^%$^@^%#$^$& %$#^$%^$!! i was shaking after that and i stalled the car on the spot like twice lor cos i couldn’t coordinate my movements. zzzzzz.

told my mum what happened and she goes “shes super lucky youre just a learner driver if not her passenger side woulda been crushed cos normal drivers we go much faster” which is true. and if i wasnt going like a somewhat snail, i woulda also landed up in hospital. traumatised!!

i cancelled my driving for next week. and. i had like 2 bad dreams so far that i crashed and went to hosp.

such a small incident “supposedly” but yet strong after effects.

and u know what reason that lady gave for stopping abruptly and almost killing us?

“sry wanted to drop my passenger off”

WHAT THE FUCK WOMAN. why must it be infront of me, and doesnt she know she gotta stop at the curb?

ugh. best part she looked like MRS DAS a little. made me more angry.

o well. there are worse ones out there i guess.

my induction to the world of driving and the nuts in it. cheers to me.

Breathe

here’s this song called Breathe (2am) .. she talks/sings so fast but its still catchy enough to get stuck in my head. The parts i like most

AM and she calls me ’cause I’m still awake,
can you help me unravel my latest mistake,
I don’t love him, winter just wasn’t my season
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to critisize,
hypocrites, you’re all here for the very same reason

‘Cause you can’t jump the track,we’re like cars on a cable   <— chorus.
and life’s like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button girl,
So cradle your head in you hands
And breathe, just breathe,
Woah breathe, just breathe

here’s a light at each end of this tunnel, you shout
But you’re just as far in as you’ll ever be out
These mistakes you’ve made, you’ll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=jPz3YaIJkjQ – URL for the full song.

I’ve got 10articles to write before i leave. Well actually i can write them even when I’m in London but it wont be the same, i wont have places to store my writings etc and you should see me when i do my research. I can open about 6tabs and 3 windows at a time. I’m such a mess that way.

I realize that my mum is going to *** for 9days instead of 7. I know i could’ve counted but i just didn’t want to think about it.

I just need to breathe. and it’ll be over. soon.-ish.

Is it just me, or is SG getting unbelievably beyond boiling point hot? even at night. fuck man.

1.15am.

and i get up at 8am everyday. and he asks me what have i given up? ….